unlivinglegend | Ryslig inbox

[New year, new month, new-old form. For Neku, at any rate. Joshua still seems to be stuck in Pooka mode for another month, and that's just fine for him, but the chillness of Neku's own Pooka form the month before had made him think. It might not have been anywhere near the level of his Waldgeist form from back over the summer, but it still carried a similar enough note that he found himself feeling... concerned.

He's never really felt any level of regret for what he did. If it wasn't for the events he set in motion, Neku would still be cold and withdrawn. He never would have grown as he did during his time in the Game. Shibuya wouldn't be the way it is today without Neku. But it isn't about that. It isn't about Neku's time in the Game anymore.

New year, new him, he supposes.

So, whenever the New Year's Day festivities around the house have died down a little, Joshua goes to find his fiance, looping his arms around one of Neku's while keeping the wing membrane in mind.]

Have time to talk?

[He enjoyed being a pooka, but man it felt good being back in his actual body.

(when had he started thinking of it that way, he wondered? This, not his human one?)

Enough that as soon as he had 'hatched' that evening he had gone flying- still weaker than before, but now he's sure it's just through lack of practice and time, not his muscles and bones being crippled. Not anymore.

So he's in a good mood when Josh approaches him, and gives a toothy smile with his sharp teeth]

Sure. What's up?

[He loves those sharp teeth, honestly. But, that's not what this conversation is about!]

Nothing you're in trouble for. But, let's go somewhere a little quieter, first.

[A little more private. But, again, that's not what this conversation is about. Gently, he tugs on Neku's wing-arm, leading him toward the bedroom.]

[If it was Beat he'd assume it was for something a bit more psychical. But that's not the vibe he's picking up from Josh, so even though he was reassured he can't help being a little worried. He follows to the bedroom, sitting on the bed]

Kinda ominous, honestly.

Mm, is it? There's nothing to worry about, really.

[His tone may be teasing, though. Then again, it usually is. Once Neku is seated, Joshua closes the door, locking it for good measure.

It's only then that he shifts into something a little more sober and serious, and he moves over to sit next to Neku.]

... I wanted to talk to you. About Shinjuku.

Shinjuku... what do you want to know?

[And while his thoughts are quiet for once, there's a dull static-y... feeling(?)... that Josh might find familiar from months ago with the stage]

[There it is. It doesn't do much to help his concerns, but he at least knows that he hasn't been imagining or misreading things.]

Actually, it isn't about what I want to know.

[He reaches out, putting his hand on the back of Neku's.]

It's affected you, hasn't it? The isolation.

[He hadn't expected that, and it's clear on his face and in his thoughts]

I... I guess so? I try not to think about it.

Even if you try not to think about it, the effects it's had on you are easy to see. At least, they are for me.

[He's so much shorter than Neku, but his tail is large and fluffy, and he wraps it around his fiance's back regardless.]

I hadn't thought much about it myself until I observed you as a waldgeist over the summer. Seeing you sit and completely dissociate until someone spoke to you made me realize that perhaps our experiences with isolation were more different than I'd initially thought.

I never really felt true remorse for what I'd done. Though the Game is a traumatic experience for some, and you arguably so, it causes growth. Your growth was so vast that the benefits heavily outweighed the setbacks, and aside from that, I'm... happy that you've changed. I'm happy to know the person that you are now.

[Here, he takes in a soft breath, his ears subconsciously lowering.]

But I find myself feeling remorse now, after seeing the long term effects, about placing you inside of a dead city for so long. Even if it was necessary to both keep you safe and obtain inside information.

[He sits and listens, and that static becomes more omnipresent. Something he has to fight through to express himself in any meaningful way. That numbness had saved him, in Shinjuku. And in fact the complete separation from his 'self' is likely how he was able to unlock his ability to more fully sense others- his own ego was so muffled it couldn't get in the way anymore.

But what helped him during that time was now just leaving him lost and hurt in the 'real' world again. Or as real as Ryslig ever felt. Though he would admit, this place, with it's stressors, both physical and emotional... that pain cuts through the fog better than anything else. Maybe that's why he has settled into this new body so well. Because it feels everything so much he feels... like he's actually here.]

I doubt you expected me to be there that long, either.

[The static increasing doesn't make him feel much better. The act of recalling it all is just making it worse. Joshua frowns, his fuzzy brow furrowing.]

I didn't. And while I can wait through three years with ease, I've also lived far longer than you. It led me to... overestimate a bit, I think.

[He can't hold Neku's hand anymore, not like he could this past month, but he can at least curl his fingers around Neku's "palm".]

I know it doesn't fix anything by saying it, but... I'm sorry.

[That makes him smile softly, and affection cut s through the noise in his brain. he raises Josh's hand and kisses the fingers]

... it helps, honestly.

[A little, at least]

[Ah. It really does help. He can hear that, for what little bit he's peeking in on Neku's mental state. Josh smiles, and leans his weight a little more against Neku's side.]

If I could fix it entirely, I would. All I have at my disposal at the moment is Imprints, though. But there's always the option of talking it out with someone who knows how badly isolation can affect you?

No offense, but I don't want you fiddling with my head again unless it's an emergency.

[it's not bitter, just straightforward truth]

... you think I should get therapy.

None taken. It's understandable.

[He leans his head in to Neku's arm, closing his eyes.]

It wouldn't hurt. At the very least, you could talk to me about it. There's no telling whether this place has any qualified therapists.

Yeah, I wouldn't trust anyone that claimed they had a degree here.

[he pauses, tail twitching slightly]

I... don't even know how to start.

There's no need to rush it. Everything takes time, and it's better if you approach it when you're ready. I'm certainly not going anywhere.

That's just it... I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready. This place... if anything was going to make me backslide it would have happened by now. When I was a Waldgeist it was... bad. But other than that? I'm.... comfortable?

So... I don't think it's getting worse. But it's pretty much plateaued, I feel. I'm pretty... functional, I think?

Mm. Well, it's certainly better than the alternative. I'd vastly prefer your comfort over you backsliding.

[But he hums softly, face pinching up just a little bit for a moment. Neku is functioning, sure, but that doesn't change the fact that he's been through something that undoubtedly damaged him. Neku is functioning now. It's possible that the thing that would cause him to backslide just hasn't happened yet. He doesn't trust anything here.]

... if you'd like to start, you can start by telling me how it made you feel. And don't hold anything back, either. You need to be honest.

Okay. I think I can manage that.

At first I was... I was mostly just pissed off. At Coco, at you. I had to be, I was kinda running off it. Mostly because there was nothing to do. I couldn't make any progress towards a goal. Back during the Game I was terrified but I had things to work towards. Thinks to keep me busy so I didn't think about what was happening more than I already was.

And I'm sure it didn't help matters that I sent you there with little to no information.

[It's understandable. Frankly, he's always been prepared for Neku to be mad at him for what he did. Maybe it would have been good for him if he had taken the chance to vent it.]

Mmhm. Though I figured that out pretty quick.

[The Trailers gave him an idea too, of course.]

Once I realized some idea of what happened I jumped right into investigating. What else could I do? Coco showed up not too long after that and... that was rough.

[Ah. That one. Josh wrinkles his nose.]

If there's anything else that I'm sorry for, it's that she was your only company for all that time. I understand her intentions now, of course, but--

[He stops himself with a soft but almost frustrated sigh. No sense in airing his grievances now. That's not what this is about.]

At least she was something, I suppose. Something other than drifting souls.

[at "drifting souls" he tenses, and jumps right on the other topic like a drowning man to a life preserver]

She's not that bad. We fought when she showed up the first time, but after that things evened out.

[His tone suggests "fought" might be more literal than just yelling]

[Fought. He catches that. His nose wrinkles again.]

The fact that she killed you is still in my book. Even so...

[But, he gestures for Neku to continue before he gets off on a tangent.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, NEKU SAKURABA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 018.07.154.55

New Year's Day, evening

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tw: trauma repsonces

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