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[unlivinglegend]

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[leggierissimo]

Even if you try not to think about it, the effects it's had on you are easy to see. At least, they are for me.

[He's so much shorter than Neku, but his tail is large and fluffy, and he wraps it around his fiance's back regardless.]

I hadn't thought much about it myself until I observed you as a waldgeist over the summer. Seeing you sit and completely dissociate until someone spoke to you made me realize that perhaps our experiences with isolation were more different than I'd initially thought.

I never really felt true remorse for what I'd done. Though the Game is a traumatic experience for some, and you arguably so, it causes growth. Your growth was so vast that the benefits heavily outweighed the setbacks, and aside from that, I'm... happy that you've changed. I'm happy to know the person that you are now.

[Here, he takes in a soft breath, his ears subconsciously lowering.]

But I find myself feeling remorse now, after seeing the long term effects, about placing you inside of a dead city for so long. Even if it was necessary to both keep you safe and obtain inside information.

tw: trauma repsonces

[unlivinglegend]

[He sits and listens, and that static becomes more omnipresent. Something he has to fight through to express himself in any meaningful way. That numbness had saved him, in Shinjuku. And in fact the complete separation from his 'self' is likely how he was able to unlock his ability to more fully sense others- his own ego was so muffled it couldn't get in the way anymore.

But what helped him during that time was now just leaving him lost and hurt in the 'real' world again. Or as real as Ryslig ever felt. Though he would admit, this place, with it's stressors, both physical and emotional... that pain cuts through the fog better than anything else. Maybe that's why he has settled into this new body so well. Because it feels everything so much he feels... like he's actually here.]

I doubt you expected me to be there that long, either.

[leggierissimo]

[The static increasing doesn't make him feel much better. The act of recalling it all is just making it worse. Joshua frowns, his fuzzy brow furrowing.]

I didn't. And while I can wait through three years with ease, I've also lived far longer than you. It led me to... overestimate a bit, I think.

[He can't hold Neku's hand anymore, not like he could this past month, but he can at least curl his fingers around Neku's "palm".]

I know it doesn't fix anything by saying it, but... I'm sorry.

[unlivinglegend]

[That makes him smile softly, and affection cut s through the noise in his brain. he raises Josh's hand and kisses the fingers]

... it helps, honestly.

[A little, at least]

[leggierissimo]

[Ah. It really does help. He can hear that, for what little bit he's peeking in on Neku's mental state. Josh smiles, and leans his weight a little more against Neku's side.]

If I could fix it entirely, I would. All I have at my disposal at the moment is Imprints, though. But there's always the option of talking it out with someone who knows how badly isolation can affect you?

[unlivinglegend]

No offense, but I don't want you fiddling with my head again unless it's an emergency.

[it's not bitter, just straightforward truth]

... you think I should get therapy.

[leggierissimo]

None taken. It's understandable.

[He leans his head in to Neku's arm, closing his eyes.]

It wouldn't hurt. At the very least, you could talk to me about it. There's no telling whether this place has any qualified therapists.

[unlivinglegend]

Yeah, I wouldn't trust anyone that claimed they had a degree here.

[he pauses, tail twitching slightly]

I... don't even know how to start.

[leggierissimo]

There's no need to rush it. Everything takes time, and it's better if you approach it when you're ready. I'm certainly not going anywhere.

[unlivinglegend]

That's just it... I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready. This place... if anything was going to make me backslide it would have happened by now. When I was a Waldgeist it was... bad. But other than that? I'm.... comfortable?

So... I don't think it's getting worse. But it's pretty much plateaued, I feel. I'm pretty... functional, I think?

[leggierissimo]

Mm. Well, it's certainly better than the alternative. I'd vastly prefer your comfort over you backsliding.

[But he hums softly, face pinching up just a little bit for a moment. Neku is functioning, sure, but that doesn't change the fact that he's been through something that undoubtedly damaged him. Neku is functioning now. It's possible that the thing that would cause him to backslide just hasn't happened yet. He doesn't trust anything here.]

... if you'd like to start, you can start by telling me how it made you feel. And don't hold anything back, either. You need to be honest.

[unlivinglegend]

Okay. I think I can manage that.

At first I was... I was mostly just pissed off. At Coco, at you. I had to be, I was kinda running off it. Mostly because there was nothing to do. I couldn't make any progress towards a goal. Back during the Game I was terrified but I had things to work towards. Thinks to keep me busy so I didn't think about what was happening more than I already was.

[leggierissimo]

And I'm sure it didn't help matters that I sent you there with little to no information.

[It's understandable. Frankly, he's always been prepared for Neku to be mad at him for what he did. Maybe it would have been good for him if he had taken the chance to vent it.]

[unlivinglegend]

Mmhm. Though I figured that out pretty quick.

[The Trailers gave him an idea too, of course.]

Once I realized some idea of what happened I jumped right into investigating. What else could I do? Coco showed up not too long after that and... that was rough.

[leggierissimo]

[Ah. That one. Josh wrinkles his nose.]

If there's anything else that I'm sorry for, it's that she was your only company for all that time. I understand her intentions now, of course, but--

[He stops himself with a soft but almost frustrated sigh. No sense in airing his grievances now. That's not what this is about.]

At least she was something, I suppose. Something other than drifting souls.

[unlivinglegend]

[at "drifting souls" he tenses, and jumps right on the other topic like a drowning man to a life preserver]

She's not that bad. We fought when she showed up the first time, but after that things evened out.

[His tone suggests "fought" might be more literal than just yelling]

[leggierissimo]

[Fought. He catches that. His nose wrinkles again.]

The fact that she killed you is still in my book. Even so...

[But, he gestures for Neku to continue before he gets off on a tangent.]

[unlivinglegend]

[ he can't help but think the nose wrinkling is cute, even knowing what causes it ]

Even so.

[ Damn, he can't redirect the conversation, can he? Still, he knows he can end it any time. Josh would let him. he sighs and rubs his face]

She got me those new clothes. I... hadn't even realized I had grown. How fucked up is that?

[leggierissimo]

[He would indeed. If Neku needs an out, even just temporarily, he wouldn't argue it. He's more than aware that this isn't something easy to talk about.]

In a place where time doesn't seem to pass, it's easy to lose track of it.

[Ask him how he knows.]

I'm... glad that you grew at all, frankly, considering you were dead. It makes me wonder if a part of you was unconsciously tweaking your own frequency, somehow.

[unlivinglegend]

[He doesn't need to ask, he can guess. And he looks at Josh rather softly, bumping shoulders with him.]

Maybe. I've never seen Reapers look any older so... You did but I know that was intentional.

[leggierissimo]

When your real body is made of energy, you can pretty much look however you'd like.

[He nudges Neku's shoulder in return, then leans his head over to rest on it.]

In this place, it's a lot harder for me to see what effects staying in a dead district for so long had on you. But, just with what I'd observed back at home, you've come leaps and bounds from the last time I saw you. Your extended time in the Game had affected your Imagination back then, too, of course, but not near the level I recall seeing before we all found ourselves here. It's quite possible that my guess is correct.

[And the implications of that... Well, he always knew Neku had the potential to be a Composer. He wouldn't have given Neku a gun if he didn't.]

[unlivinglegend]

[And he in turns rests his head against Josh's as he talk]

I... I wanted so much to go back to the RG. To try and be normal. But coming here... that's not going to happen. It probably wasn't even... even after Rindo's Game.

Hell... I don't... I don't know what normal is. I don't think I ever did.

[he was always outside. Even before he lost someone. Always aching for connections he could never fully form. His voice cracks as he talks, and Josh can likely feel steaming tears hitting his fur]

[leggierissimo]

[It isn't just the tears, but the choked tone to Neku's voice that makes Josh go still, the breath that he doesn't even need anymore catching in his throat. There's a feeling blossoming in his chest, not at all unlike the sensation he remembers from back in April, when Javert had forced the pain of a bullet wound on him. His chest feels tight, painful, and his throat abruptly feels as though all the muscles in it have tensed.

He knows what it feels like, to feel like such an outsider. He knows the feeling of never quite being "normal". Before he died, that was just... how his life was.

It's easy for him to move, being so much smaller than Neku now. He shifts from his sitting position and slides into Neku's lap, leaning in with soft, squeaking noises in his throat to nuzzle his cheek, even though the tears are hot against his nose.]

[unlivinglegend]

[And Neku doesn't hesitate to cling, pressing Joshua to his chest like an oversized stuffed animal]

I just... I keep thinking about all the shadows in Shinjuku. Hearing them. No way to get away from them. I keep thinking "Am I making more every time I feed?". I've killed people. Almost twenty. I enjoyed most of them! And I know, I know we don't have a choice but I can't stop thinking about them.

[He's wheezing by now, his throat closing up]

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying...

[leggierissimo]

[If Neku needs to cling, he's certainly not going to complain. Not even if Neku squeezes the breath out of him. It's not like he needs it anyway.]

No, it's... it's what you need. Don't apologize for it.

[He pauses, just for a beat, and lifts his hands to gently stroke Neku's hair as best he can from where he is.]

What she's done to us is unforgivable, but I don't think that killing them has created anything like that. Shinjuku was... a unique situation. The souls there weren't given a chance to evacuate elsewhere, cut off as it became.