unlivinglegend | Ryslig inbox

[After encountering the Void and the Truth, Joshua isn't sure how to handle the revelation he's had laid out before him. Two sets of memories conflict in his head, and it's hard, sometimes, to keep track of what is real and what isn't. Clinging to what the Truth has said is the easiest way to do so, but it's hard. It's a lot to have to accept. And he has, to some extent - it's how he got out of there in the first place - but that doesn't make it easier.

Something else that doesn't make it easier is knowing that Neku lied to him.

Beat had tried to tell him, but he'd so thoroughly dismissed it then. And then later, Neku had said the same thing. He had almost said the truth. Almost. But then he played it off as a joke, and now, Joshua is left battling with these conflicting memories. If only he'd listened to Beat, who he knows wouldn't lie to him. If only he'd suspected Neku, who he trusted not to lie at all.

All of this is going through his head as he knocks on the doorframe of Neku's studio.]

Hey. Can we... talk?

[Ironically Neku had also been out in the Pale, likely only missing Josh by hours at the time. So he's relaxing in his studio and processing all he's learned. it's not anything he didn't know, exactly. But things he refused to accept.

So when he hears Josh he brightens, glad for the distraction... only something feels Off. More than the lack of memories]

Yeah, of course. What's up?

[He lets out a breath, then moves into the room and, after a moment of hesitation, closes the door behind him. Privacy will be good for this.

And then he just... stands there. Taking in a breath, then frowning at the floor, rubbing his arm and finally looking up.]

Why did you lie to me? About me being the Composer?

[His eyes widen slightly in surprise. Did he gain his memories back? Or maybe someone else told him? He shouldn't be surprised, exactly. He sighs and turns away from his desk to face Joshua properly]

... you seemed so... happy. Talking about things like eloping and living together back home. I didn't want to ruin that when you were going to remember eventually anyway.

So instead, you were content to let me believe I could have things that I can't--

[No. It's true, but he doesn't want to say that he can't have these things. He doesn't want to talk about not being able to have these things. He's the Composer, and he's already known for breaking rules, isn't he? Not being just an average Composer? But that doesn't change the fact that he's dead. He isn't alive. He can't marry, not legally. Neku and Beat can, but not him. Here, it's different, but at home? It can't happen.

He can have a relationship, he can stay with them from time to time, but he can't put his name on a marriage license. He can't put his name on a lease.

He closes his eyes, balling his hands into loose fists.]

I am happy. With you. In whatever capacity I can be. Is that not enough?

[He winces at that. He hadn't really thought through it when he decided to lie. It had been an impulsive choice- avoidant. That was bad enough.

But then he kept letting Josh talk. Had even encouraged it. It would have been one thing for them to play pretend together while they were both aware of the reality of things... but Joshua didn't. It was cruel.

He just didn't realize it at the time. Now it's starkly obvious]

It is. I just... didn't want to be the one to tell you. And... I guess... I liked talking about it too.

[he has to be honest. He doesn't WANT to, but if he skitters out of it now it'd only get worse. His discomfort is obvious though as he squirms in his chair, trying not to snap or appease- fight or flight]

Beat tried, but I didn't want to hear it, and I owe him an apology. It scared me at the time, to think that I didn't remember things about myself, and his memories had already been tampered with. I thought that maybe he was misremembering that, too. But instead of telling me the truth and backing him up, even if you weren't aware that you were, you made me think that maybe things were alright after all.

[He can see Neku's squirming, the agitated movements spurred by discomfort, but it only makes him squeeze his fists tighter. He's hurt, here.]

If anyone is the one to tell me that something is wrong with me, it should be the two of you.

[He's glad he's not a gargoyle right now, because his furnace would absolutely give his frustration away. Josh even said outright that he had no way of knowing Beat told him- he can't be judged for that!!!

... true that also implies that the lie was only bad because he got caught. That's... kinda an awful thing to think, isn't it? His anxiety shifts slightly to shame, and he looks at the floor]

I... wasn't thinking.

[... and that immediately takes a bit of the wind out of his sails. He does love Neku, and seeing him like this doesn't feel good, even if he's still feeling his own hurt over the situation. Neku has... been through a lot, hasn't he? The memories that the Truth had resurfaced tell him as much.]

... trust your Partner, right? And I do. [Echoes of something Neku told him once, however indirectly.] I trust you, and I love you. But it does hurt, knowing you would prevent telling me the truth about myself because you wanted to keep living in a fantasy that I wasn't aware of.

[hearing those words really nails home where he fucked up. But also... makes him feel oddly warm? Knowing Josh did in fact hear them]

Yeah... and I didn't trust you. I thought I knew better what was right for you instead of just, you know, asking.

[he finally forced himself to meet Joshua's eyes, even though it's difficult to face the hurt he caused]

I'm sorry. I was... a real jackass.

[And there it is. Josh immediately deflates at that, the apology driving the fight out of him and driving more of those fake memories away. The more he dwells on the things that are true, the less he truly believes the lies that the fog had implanted in his head. The more he truly remembers. The more he realizes that the Truth meant what it said.

He hesitates, then takes a few steps forward, settling to his knees on the floor in front of where Neku sits and reaching up to take his hands. He tucks his wings against his back, and above his head, his halo spins slow and blue.]

... I know. And I'm sorry, too, because I've done the same thing to you, more than once. I really have no room to be upset when it's the same decision I've made for you multiple times over.

[he almost tells him not to worry about it. He forgave him already. But that wouldn't be completely true, would it? So instead he squeezes his hands]

Fuck no, you have every right to be pissed. Let's just say were both pricks.

It takes one to know one, I suppose.

[He chuckles softly, but then sighs and... tilts forward to rest his forehead on one of Neku's knees.]

I... fell into someone else's memory. A void, with a voice. That's how I found out.

Ah... that sounds familiar. Pure Vanilla?

[Ah. Neku, too?]

Yes. You... saw it, too, then, I take it.

Yeah. Got a big bowl of cold Reality for lunch.

Edited 2023-04-11 18:41 (UTC)

Mm...

[So did he. But he doesn't have to say that.]

I... hope it helped. In some way.

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